The True Braveheart Story: My Adventures in Scotland

by JCaleb

If you are anything like me, when you saw the movie Braveheart, something about it just didn't seem right. After only a day here in Scotland, I've discovered the truth behind this.

I could not ever figure out exactly why William Wallace decided to wage war on England. Sure freedom's all well and good, but it didn't really seem to matter to him that much in the beginning of the film. He just wanted to raise crops.

Hollywood would have you believe that his motivation was love. But let's be honest folks, Hollywood also contends that a woman would throw the world's largest diamond into the ocean after her 'love' went down with the titanic, and that 'love thy neighbor' is really one of the ten commandments given to Charlton Heston. We're all adults here. Its time for a bit of honesty.

Now, when William was 'proposing' to his girl in scene 467 of the film, you'll notice that he didn't speak first of his undying love for her, but rather of the fact that he wanted to have many children in order to help him with the farming. To the novice historian, this might have just seemed like some cutesy little flirting. But I astutely recognized this as clue to the truth. In all of Scotland there is not one centimeter of flat earth. When Wallace grieved over the loss of his wife and then sought to avenge her, it wasn't about 'love', it was about the loss of chilbearing properties which would ease some of the hours of backbreaking work trying to farm a living out of hills, crags and generally terrible soil of the highlands.

When he had avenged his wife, he continued his assault on England. But it still was not 'love' that spurred him on. It was the sickness of walking up and down the millions of stairs that cover Edinburgh. His legs were sore and he sought the comfort that could only be found in easy walks through the flat Hyde Park, and relaxing rides on the tube. Comforts found in England.

So, next time you hear someone misquoting that ravishing piece of man-meat known as Mel Gibson by saying, "Give me liberty or give me death". You can correct them, "No, my impudent little ass of a friend, its "Give me LEVEL-TY, or give me death."

Hundreds of years later, Scotland, realizing that farming is next to impossible here, has finally found a new trade: selling Braveheart collectibles. Where else can you find an official Wallace Clan Shotglass, or get your picture taken next to a statue of William himself. Even your charitable donations can go to 'the real Bravehearts,' children with leukemia. The market is cornered.

The back breaking pain of Sisyphus' sentence to forever walk up and down hills has changed Scottish culture in other important ways. An average Scotsman, realizing one day that a mere pint of lager was not enough to make him forget his great fatigue, gave the world Scotch Whiskey. Now thanks to him, we can all get drunk faster.

Then in St. Andrews, a town not far from Edinburgh, the inhabitants tired of playing difficult football games in which you couldn't see your teammates due to terrain, and invented a little game called golf. It was a game in which one would try to strike a small white rock with enough accuracy so that it might land on one of the 18 flat millimeters of earth in the entire province. The fairways were simply the only places one could conceivably walk, and if you missed them, instead of sandtraps or water hazards, your ball would simply careen from the mountain.

Scotland, with its rich history and cultural contributions, has a few lessons to teach us all: A) No matter how much you try to explain its historical significance, wearing skirts simply makes guys look gay. B)Walking up and down hills and stairs constantly can drive people enough towards sucicidal tendencies that they might indeed follow Mel Gibson and his crappy scottish accent into battles begun by moonings. And C) Pain and suffering, and not ingenuity, is the true mother of invention, and of long bloody civil wars.