by Stephanie Anderson
Alan Greenspan, who has been credited with the intelligence of Adam Smith, has announced that the American economy is "on the mend." (Like the clothes in the sewing pile, or like a broken limb?) If Mr. Greenspan is correct, perhaps my history degree will become slightly more marketable soon, but that's unlikely. There are many things upon which we can blame the economy- terrorism, politics, the 'axis of evil', head lice... but I choose to blame the customers at my work. I figure that they are just as good a segment of the population as any, and they are certainly not improving the status of local business.
Today's soup is Split Pea, which I feel works hand in hand with brussel sprouts as an affront to children everywhere. But, apparently there exist adults who have forgotten that they too were once children and are willing to shell out $5 for a bowl of green slop. I wouldn't care about the soup except that I have to stare at it and smell it every time someone orders a bowl. This is my college education at work- An occasional $6.50/hr at the local coffee shop.
The Alarmist comes in about once a week. This woman is always worked up about something she read in Self Magazine, or an equally respectable publication. Today it's sprouts. "Is there anything you, as a small business owner," she says to my boss, "can do about the sprout problem?" What sprout problem? Apparently sprouts, in isolated and undocumented cases, are causing people to rise up in revolt. This woman is visibly upset, and my boss charmingly pretends that he too is an anti-sprout warrior, just before he slaps some on another sandwich.
A woman steps up to the counter and asks me to make her a sugar-free Turtle Mocha. I explain what's in a Turtle Mocha: chocolate, caramel, chocolate syrup, caramel syrup, milk, espresso and whipped cream. She looks at me, "So?" Sorry ma'am, but I can't make that sugar free. "Well, I can't have sugar." She says, exasperated, and leaves.
A lady who must have been her sister had just been in yesterday and asked me what the base of our mushroom soup was. It was cream. When I said this, she asked if that would be ok for her to eat, since she's allergic to dairy products. Let me check, nope, sorry, cream made the dairy list this week.
Feminism Man is taking a class on feminism, and insists on telling me that everyday, as if I am going to give him an award on behalf of females everywhere. He also assumes that I, as I girl, inherently know everything about the feminist movement and care. I apparently care so much that he interrupts everyone else placing orders just to espouse his views to me.
One kid, about 13, comes in every Saturday. Every Saturday, he gets a Coke. Every Saturday, in fact everyday, Coke costs 75 cents. Every Saturday, this kid says, upon hearing the price, "I heard it was 50." Heard? From who? Every Saturday he pays 75.
XL Mocha refuses to share his name with the proletariat, so we call him by his drink. He first came in announcing that he had just been fired from Caribou, another coffee shop down the road. But, he still had a key so he was gonna go back and totally rip them off. And, by the way, could he have an application? Then he began coming in everyday, sometimes more than once, usually just to announce how much money he had spent that day or to tell us that we aren't qualified to work in a coffee shop. He was extremely proud of the $700 he spent on his girlfriend's Christmas present. No one would satisfy him by asking what he bought, but finally I broke down. "I bought her $700 worth of gift certificates to a coffee shop so that she can have coffee every day for a year," he bragged.
Not all people are interested in purchasing coffee or merely harassing employees. Some people carry the dream of someday working here. We let them fill out applications. This is what they say: Applicant #1: Did you graduate from High School? "Yes" Further Education? "GED" Applicant #2: Previous Positions? [A store one block away] Why did you leave that position? "Because the commute was too long." Do you still live at the same address? "Yes" Applicant #3: What are the reasons you left previous positions? "Fired, fired, quit."
Apparently the talent pool is wearing thin, what does that say for the rest of the economy? What is the caliber of people applying for the so-called "real jobs"? If people educate themselves about things other than sprouts and feminism and if they invest $700 rather than spending it on coffee, I would be able to say that I have hope. But, based on the field research I have collected, the situation is grim. Perhaps we should stock the cellar with all the potatoes we can find, a few back issues of Self, and a year's supply of coffee, and settle in for the next lapse of recession.
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