Another Questionable Election

by Stephanie Anderson

This just in... a new M&M (or W&W, for you dyslexics) color is coming out. "Awesome Aqua," "Think Pink," or "Purple Power." Why do we need a new color? All of them taste identical. We, the public, get nothing. No new flavor, no new service. If I need a new color, I would just take my magic markers to the yellows.

And do not be fooled, my fellow chocolate consumers. M&M will not make this change at no cost.
The only question is, which color will they sacrifice now? Do they think we did not notice when they exterminated light brown in the blue trade? "Oooooh, look at this fancy new blue color..." say the smooth-talking advertisers, "light brown? what light brown? we never had light brown." I REMEMBER LIGHT BROWN! Never forget the fate of the light brown M&M. If you succumb to casting your vote at mms.com, remember, that is a vote for the death of yet another unsuspecting, under-appreciated color. As evidence of the impending massacre, I offer the above picture... what color is missing? And the colors left don't seem to miss their companion at all, they are too busy playing multicultural dress-up.

Another thing I remember is the colors that ran for a seat in the last M&M election. Hmmm... let's see... blue, purple and pink. What similar choices. If the voter did not want pink or purple last time, why would they want them now? Perhaps this is not really an election with fresh choices and new candidates, but more similar to The Price is Right. One color gets up on stage and Rod Roddy yells, "Aqua, come on down!"

We've gotten so wrapped up in these color overhauls that we have forgotten the true purpose of M&Ms... baseball predictions. Yellow for doubles, green for homeruns... an integral part of the American pastime. Mars Inc. is calling for a "Global Color Vote." Those talking round candies are in league with the terrorists. What will aqua stand for? Infield fly rule? A player strike for more money?

Go ahead, vote for "Putrid Purple," "Acid Aqua," or "Pansy Ass Pink." But think about the world you are changing. Ask yourself, can you remember the four original marshmallows in Lucky Charms? Are these marketing schemes really worth your base running average?