by Brett SheatsDear Girl from HOTORNOT.com,
When love hits you square in the jaw, who are you to curse its velveteen fist? Forgive my cryptic opening, but the fire growing deep in my loins has created a smokescreen that clouds my judgment and fills my mind. I am here to profess my love for you, oh vixen of the digital realm, matron of my mind, thief of my libido.
When I saw your picture on HOTORNOT.com, I nearly broke down and cried. Never have I seen such beautiful use of eyeliner, such immaculately plucked eyebrows, such playful hair resting gently on the top of your supple bosom. And that zebra striped handbag strap, need I even comment? You devilkin, did you know what you were doing to me when you came into my life?
Sometimes, life here in the Army can be a cold, lonely affair. When I go out to the artillery range, sometimes I have visions -- Visions of a beautiful woman in white walking through the impact area towards me, reaching out to me and kissing my lips oh-so-gently. Some would say it was just a hallucination of sorts caused by a volatile mix of cannon cleaner and black powder, but it was a vision of my future -- of me finding you and you coming into my life. Do you like Nintendo?
I know that we will be perfect for one another. We will have a bounty of wonderful children. I will be a good father, and I promise I will not get angry with you. I will provide for Brett Jr., Suzanne-Lou, and even Little Dickie the best I can. You will be free to stay home days and watch your stories, if you would like.
What I would do for you, oh, sweet tenderloin, what I would give for just once chance at your hand. I know you wrote in your profile that you 'saw my picture and you thought I was SOOOOOO Hot!' I am a wise man, and know you wrote that for all to see, but the romantic in me knows that those words were a personal declaration. And what a coincidence that I too love clubbin', hangin' out, partyin', and volleyball!
So baby, believe me when I say that this time it is for real. Know that I will not break open another prophylactic until you venture into my Den of Love. Together, we will make the sweet, beautiful music of love.
Your Destiny,
Brett
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