by Brett Sheats
In these times of national uncertainty and world chaos, hearts and minds alike are strained with unimaginable amounts of stress. In a recent study, 76% of Americans responded that since 9-Eleven (as it is now popularly referred to, much like J-Lo or P. Diddy) their stress level has 'moderately or severely' increased. With the recent legal summons served on popular soothsayer Miss Cleo, who do we have to look to that is still keepin' it real?
Well, ladies and gentlemen, the search is over. Like he has done so many times before in countless dry counties across the American South, Garth Brooks brings his sweet musical intoxication to our dry, chapped lips. This time, however, it is not his new album Scarecrow that is causing boys and girls alike to tap their feet in sonic approval. No, it isn't even the triumphant return of his bad-boy alter-ego Chris Gaines. (Oh so edgy and Oh sooo sexy!!!) This time, Garth has enlisted the help of his best friend, Dr. Pepper, to raise our spirits in a simple television commercial. And America is forever changed.
I admit, the first twenty times I saw this commercial, I was a bit confused. First, I wasn't sure if it was really Garth smiling back at me from across the digital divide, as I was sure Garth would never stoop to the level of hawking carbonated prune squeezin's on national TV. But after repeated viewings, I realized that I was wrong -- dead wrong. Garth wasn't trying to convince me to drink Dr. Pepper soda -- he was trying to convince me to actually be like Dr. Pepper. How can one be like soda, I was left to ponder? And why would Garth want me to do this? Upon further reflection, I decided to research the topic. There must be a logical reason, I concluded. I decided to examine the evidence at hand.
Exhibit A: The Commercial
Where better to start, in the quest for answers, than the commercial itself? It starts out simple enough -- Garth and the boys sitting around the Ol' General Store, playing checkers, speaking slowly, wondering how they got into this soundstage. But all that is left to the viewer's imagination. Instead, we see them having a rollickin' time, playing the fiddle, the spoons, and strumming the six-string. It's the kind of scene that makes you wonder, "Gee, maybe NASCAR has a certain something I never noticed before..."
After a few memorable seconds of this, things get really interesting, and a JAILBREAK occurs. A jailbreak from THE JAIL OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, that is. Four ethnically-correct females come sauntering down the street, in step with Garth's strumming, mind you, looking all hot and bothered. Here the genius of Brooks shines through. He holds up four ice-cold Dr.Peppers next to his oh-so-cute, pudgy cheeks and motions the girls over. A match made in heaven? Indeed.
The commercial ends with another ten seconds of great music, great times, and great soda. We see additional shots of the whole crew doing their thang, all the while drinking that sweet intoxicating brew. The commercial just screams out "HEY AMERICA! Life is good, but only if you have hot women and cold soda." Take that, Osama.
Exhibit B: The Song
There's a light in your soul that says you're one of a kind!Don't ever let it go!Be original, an individual, like Dr. Pepper!Be you, do what you do. Be you, do what you do...
That, my friends, is pure, solid gold. I haven't looked at the charts lately, but I'm sure that Casey Kasem is counting this one down until it hits the top. In this verse, we find inspiration, dedication, even perspiration. Here, the sweet tasting revelry of Dr. Pepper meshes with Garth's floating voice and magic is born. Move over Disneyworld. Step aside, Dollywood. There is a new hotspot for fun, and it is your local vendor of Dr. Pepper.
For days now, I have been perplexed by Garth's call for us to 'be ... like Dr. Pepper!' How could I even begin to be like a carbonated beverage? Dare I try to bottle myself? It must be some other part of Dr. Pepper that I am supposed to emulate. Perhaps I will find the answer elsewhere.
The Final Exhibit: The Spoonman
Next time you see this commercial, I implore you: Take a close look at the old man sitting in front of Mr. Brooks. Clad in a red prison jumpsuit, balding, with wildly long sidehair, and playing the spoons, this Spoonman seems to be the cryptic key to this riddle. Who is he? Where does he come from? Why does he play the spoons like he is robotic? Why would Garth ever hang out with someone like him? Couldn't he get a better spoon player? He seems to bring up more questions than answers. And he haunts my dreams. Even in my good dreams, with exotic women and fantastic adventures, the Spoonman is there, mocking me. Rapping-rap-tapping on my door. His evil eye disarming me, his tell-tale heart betraying the passage of time. Damn you Spoonman, damn you to Hell!
In conclusion, Spoonman aside, one must thank the gods above for this call to arms. Leave it to the greatest crooner of our time, Garth Brooks, and the greatest carbonated beverage, other than Coke, Mountain Dew, Lipton Brisk, Slice, Sunkist, Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Pepsi Twist, Diet Pepsi Twist, Sprite, 7 Up, Birch Beer, Cream Soda, and Root Beer, to inspire us in ways we never thought could happen. Sometimes the right way is the hard way. Better the hard right, than the easy wrong. Freedom is not free. I regret I only have one life to live for my country. But, I
digress.
So, raise your glass, America, to Garth Brooks, and Dr. Pepper -- two American heroes who have saved our world. No terrorist can ever take away our freedom to go out in front of the local general store, grab a washboard and a moonshine bottle, and play a snazzy tune with major-label recording artists. That is America, pure and simple.
