The Real Tragedy with Minnesota Baseball

by Stephanie

It's pretty hard for anyone to defend the honor of major league baseball these days, with the exception of the billionaire owners who have nothing better to do with their money than to shred it and have the servants throw it as confetti as they parade through their foyers. These are the men that can justify ripping apart the bastion of the American past time that is the Minnesota Twins. But Minnesotans are not so easily swayed. We love our team of unknown superstars, including such greats as the Bionic Man (Guzman) and the Canadian Folkhero (Koskie), and even the blue garbage bags that serve as the outfield fence at the dome. We kicked and screamed and threw a tantrum until a merciful judge decided to guarantee us at least one more season.

This did not please the antitrust-exempt baseball commission. But they did not achieve demigod status through stupidity, and are determined to thwart Minnesota's hopes and dreams. Their new plan is really ingenious, and may have slipped unnoticed past someone who has not kept a watchful eye on the Twins coaching staff. What is this monstrosity I speak of? Well, the question is not "what," it is "who." His name is Ron Gardenhire. This green thumb has been recently named manager of the Twins, but you may remember him from such positions as "worst third base coach EVER."

His manager contract extends for two years, but Polad, the Twins owner, is chuckling in his gold-embossed, cushioned stadium seats. For he knows that Gardenhire will never see that second year. When he bumbles the Twins quickly into last place, the commission will have no problem closing down this historic club. Granted it would be easy for baseball to discontinue one of the Florida teams that no one has ever heard of, or one of the FIVE teams that California enjoys, but that would make too much sense. Baseball owners don't have to make sense -- they are rich.

What makes me so sure that Gardehire will be such an awful manager? I have seen him coach third base. I have seen him send a player into a run-down between third and home. And then, as that runner craftily dodges back and forth between baseman and catcher, Gardenhire calls the runner at second to third. Those of you familiar with the rule that two runners cannot occupy one base should be able to decipher this mathematical problem. Meintkiewicz could hit a home run through the deceptive ball-colored roof, and Gardenhire would hold him at third.
Truly, I want to have faith. I want to believe that the Twins, one of the few professional sports teams left with a reasonable payroll will be able to pull this one out. But circumstances are grim. An evil commission, a greedy owner, a dumb coach, and a fresh team with heart. If we just added a little kid, we'd have a Disney movie.