Saving your Money, $7.50 at a Time

by Stephanie

The Academy earned my disdain the year they gave Titanic a ba-billion awards. There is no way a movie that requires actually cashing in on the large popcorn refill and three bathroom breaks deserves "Best Editing." This year, they could win back my respect, but they are going to have to change things up a bit. In a year that was dominated by sequels and annoying actors, it is impossible to give awards, in good conscience, for more than a handful of films. The majority of movies this year were no-sees. Meaning, the previews or hype actually deterred audiences from seeing the film. This is difficult to accomplish considering all of the money that goes into scamming the public to shell out their seven to ten bucks. This said, awards this year should be along the following lines:

Tim Allen should be offered a Best Actor Oscar for Joe Somebody under the stipulation that he never make another movie. We would all exist in a safer world, never endangered of seeing the likes of Galaxy Quest or Jungle 2 Jungle again.

Another actor we could do without is Brendan Frasier. He proved this through not one, but two bad movies on the "Never gonna see that" list this year. The fact that they had to dip as low as bringing in a professional wrestler to spice up the film was enough to nix Mummy Returns, even if the original hadn't been the scene of the most theater walk-outs since Green Card. Monkeybone, on the other hand, actually incited people to call the producer to check if he was clinically insane. A cartoon monkey takes over the body of Brendan Frasier... while this plot line is believable, it is not something that people want to see on screen.

Rivaling Monkeybone for Best Ill-conceived Plot is Black Knight. I would like to say that no one knows what Martin Lawrence was thinking, but apparently Cuba Gooding, Jr. does, since his upcoming Snow Dogs has the same "no-see" rating.

No matter how dumb their colleagues look, Saturday Night Live stars continue to make films that require a lot more fame to support such stupid concepts. I regret to say that I saw the preview for The Animal more than once, and I am dumber as a result. It is hard to make a good movie out of a single funny sketch, but it is even harder to make a funny movie out of a single nauseating thought.

For Best Offensive Plot Line on the list of movies no one saw, Bubble Boy is uncontested. I am pretty sure that the Sierra Club sued them for making fun of physical disorders. And, if there is not a law against making such a film, there should be one against insulting the public's intelligence by suggesting they see it.

Finally, On the Line must win the award for Best Teen Rock Star film. Britney and Mandy Moore are hot in competition for this award in 2002, bravely following their spikey-haired predecessors. I teared up at the idea of the members of 'Nsync running around a city looking for a girl that one of them (Teen Beat readers are shunning me for not knowing his name) met on a train. And, I am willing to make the lucrative bet that he found her at the end, and am sobbing-- both from joy at the happy ending and sadness at having to watch my dream rocker kiss another girl. Rockstar tried to compete in this category, but, sorry Marky Mark and Rachel, you just don't have the cast.

Every year, a number of movies are previewed that instantly cause viewers to add them to their mental "See this film under NO circumstances" list. But 2001 did an amazing job of releasing at least two a week in this category, and I, for one, would like to see that achievement recognized.