A Glorious Weekend

by Stephanie Anderson

I had every intention of writing a glowing review of Monster's Ball, but then I saw it. I had been waiting for months to see this promise of an intense plot, solid cast and appearance of dreamy Heath Ledger. 'Disappointed' would not describe how I felt after waiting up for a 10 p.m. showing. 'Disgusted', 'violated' and 'enraged' would be better adjectives. The only thing I can say to better objectify the film is that it was basically a depressing porno. As I understand the illicit movie industry, this should be an oxymoron. Do not ever see Monster's Ball. EVER. My first subject matter being utterly decimated, I spent the weekend collecting pearls of knowledge on the so-called "social" scene. I offer this truth as a result of painstaking research: Boys and girls are dumb.

To dispel any claims of inherent bias, I will begin by saying that females are absolutely befuddling in relationships. Girls get mad about things they know they have no logical reason to be upset about, and then reserve the right to not tell boys why they are mad. Just to ensure complete insanity, girls then get mad that boys cannot figure out what they are mad about. ("Because if he really cared, he would just know.")

Boys are more stupider when it comes to actually initiating contact with a member of the opposite sex. I, as a card-carrying girl, am trained in the rules of beguilement that we are authorized to use to perplex boys. But I continually wonder what was said when they separated the boys and the girls for 6th grade Sex Ed. Did they say to all the boys, "Now, the best way to get a girl to go out with you is to yell 'Hey Baby!' at her out of your car window as you drive by."? Has that ever worked? Has a girl ever chased a car down the street in her skirt and heels to catch the yelling car and say, "Thanks for the interest, wanna get together?"

However, boys must get some credit for persistence. For example, a guy could ask a girl out, and be turned down, three times in a row. As she turns and walks away, he will then yell his phone number at her back. Some may call that not taking a hint, but I think it shows great commitment to a cause.

Most frustrating about the communication lapse between the sexes is the way that certain phrases are rendered useless. In no social situation can you innocently tell someone that they look familiar. The second that you try to ask for help in sorting through your memory, you have to admit, "You're right. You weren't really in my eighth grade math class, I just couldn't think of anything better to say and had forgotten 'hi'."

Of course, it has become classic to completely skip the lame excuses for conversation altogether. If a girl accidentally bumps into a guy in a bar, he can legally interpret it as her throwing herself at him. Incidentally standing or sitting next to someone can also be classified as a date.
The bar scene is a fiasco. There are too many guys in leather jackets, too many girls in no more material than a handkerchief, and too many varieties of alcoholic lemonade. But, it is so easy to meet people that there is no cause for all of the complaints. Granted these people have nothing to say, and in all honesty, are horrible dancers, but at least you're not at Monster's Ball.