Attack of the Clones

by Stephanie Anderson

People waited in line for weeks to see the first midnight showings of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. For the Thursday night debut of Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones, theatres were only half full of people that had nothing else to do. Don't worry, George Lucas will still make a cent or two, but this release was definitely not the frenzy of Chewbacca-costumed fans that attended the first.

There are a number of reasons to explain this lackluster opening. Reason number one is named Jar Jar Binks. You cannot annoy people to such an extreme in the first movie and then expect them to rush out and see the sequel. The second reason is probably the lovey-dovey plot. When the majority of your fan base is still trying to pick off the remaining ear glue from the last Trekkie Convention, it is hard to sell a romance-based storyline. Thirdly, it did not slip by unnoticed that the movie is being released a year later than promised. It is hard to maintain support without reliable release dates. If you don't believe me now, I will scoff this Winter when theatres are once again packed for the second Lord of the Rings. Finally, the Lucas Films marketing department was definitely asleep for the past few months. America's ADD-diagnosed majority needs to see more than kissing in a preview. Fight scenes, chases, light sabers... these things sell action movies- not to mention action figures, action toys, and action gear. Kids need to be swatting their parents with buzzing plastic light sabers while begging to see the movie, not just whining while tucking Princess Amidala flowers in their hair.

The love story is the central theme, including typical Hollywood phrases that leave you groaning because no matter what galaxy you are from, people do not say things like "My heart breaks each day I gaze into your stormy eyes and am forced to realize the sands of time must keep us apart." Along with this sort of gripping dialogue, the main device in furthering the tale of love is Natalie Portman in a wide array of revealing outfits, which conveniently become more revealing when she is attacked by furry aliens.

Despite liberal nakedness, Episode 2 is no match for the Star Wars of old. It seems that Mr. Lucas has gotten tangled up in trying to tell a long, overly detailed story. Much of the film is spent trying to introduce various alliances and characters. This is tedious, except for the points at which you realize, Oh! That's how the evil emperor will get power! or Hey! That's the bounty hunter that captures Han Solo!. Really, we all just want to know how it fits into the REAL Star Wars. Due to so much explaining and traveling between planets to include all necessary characters, there is not as much action as a good Star Wars fan would like.

Plot complexities aside, Attack of the Clones is certainly an improvement over the first installment. Though they were not the selling point, the film does contain some great races and chases. The creators get a little carried away with showing off their computer skills, but it looks cool. The choicest scene is the final execution, pitting man against crazy space creature. The idea was clearly ripped off from Gladiator, but it worked for Russell Crowe.

Yoda is a key player in Episode 2. You have been greatly deceived if you thought that someone so short would not be a rockstar with a light saber. If his grammatically incorrect proverbs were not enough to hook you in the past, Yoda's fighting skills will summon your allegiance. There is a fair sprinkling of fights throughout the film, though Yoda only appears in one. And, don't worry, they still do you the courtesy of color-coding light sabers and laser guns- green and blue for the good guys, red for the bad.

Attack of the Clones, though the title is very deceptive regarding actual movie content, is worth viewing. The new characters are interesting, and thankfully Jar Jar has an extremely limited role. The bridge between the old and the new becomes much clearer, even though Anakin's voice will have to drop a couple more octaves in the next movie to reach that of James Earl Jones.

The Shipping News

by Stephanie Anderson

The critics recommended this one as a "tragic-comedy." It really was not at all funny, but I was shocked by this dark, but interesting film. The Shipping News has a fabulous cast including Kevin Spacey, Judy Dench, Cate Blanchett and Julianne Moore. Cate Blanchett pulls off what seems an uncharacteristic role as Spacey's bimbo wife from the female star of An Ideal Husband and this summer's Galadriel.

The movie is about death, suicide, infidelity, ghosts, curses, and all the other treasures that make up the most dysfunctional family imaginable. It keeps you guessing and maybe a little spooked.

After everyone besides his daughter dies, Quoyle (Spacey) moves to Newfoundland with a long lost aunt, who just recently appeared to steal her brother's ashes. Apparently, it is very difficult to survive in Newfoundland, as everyone has some tragic story under their belt. Quoyle struggles to make it as a journalist while uncovering his sordid family's past. Meanwhile, his young daughter seems to be crazy and a ghostly man with a dog keeps appearing on their doorstep.

Since movies twists are popular, this one throws in it's share. I am still sorting out some of the details in my head, so don't go if you don't want to do some thinking.

And don't worry either. You won't be the only one walking out of the theater trying to figure out where Newfoundland is.

Really, They're Just Having Fun

by Stephanie Anderson

When I tell people where I went to school, the response is often, "Is that one of the local community colleges?" No more. Thanks to the Greek system and all of its beautiful traditions, my alma mater will have something to claim besides that one time, back in the nineties, we had a decent basketball player. Now I can look forward to hearing, "Oh, isn't that the school where they torture barnyard animals?"

To me it is comical that a nation at war would be so suddenly swept by the story of some boys and a pig, especially when this is not unusual. Could the goat stories possibly be true? Was Animal House that far off? Have we actually believed that fraternity houses are plush locales where gentlemen sip brandy and discuss politics? Apparently yes, because America has brought out their charming face of shock at the discovery of a drunk pig.

Investigative journalism is not needed to see that this reaction is ludicrous. How many men and women reading American papers participated in such a stunt themselves? More importantly, how many men and women chose to be victims of such abuse?

I'm going to come out and say it. I hope you're sitting down. The movies are true. Fraternities (and sororities) at many universities abuse more than just animals. Fret not, these "abuses" are usually clever. Such as forcing recruits to consume the whole frats' weekly alcohol allotment while bathing in Tabasco sauce. Or along the themes of the animal kingdom, having a "pledge" dress in a cow suit and crawl on his hands and knees in front of the frat house eating grass until he vomits. In interest of fitness, girls will be asked to come to a sorority "party" dressed in swimsuits so that their "sisters" can use magic markers to circle the places on their bodies where there is too much fat.

But hazing is illegal, thank goodness, at the aforementioned school, and in most chapters nation wide. That's a relief. But wait, isn't abusing animals also in violation of many laws? Hmmm...
Many fraternities and sororities treat their members with respect and friendship, but to pretend we don't know that hazing exists is ridiculous. Before you can pay people to be your friends, you have to make sure they're worth the money.

Yes, I feel sorry for this tortured animal. But realizing that thousands of pigs are butchered everyday, I'll get over it. More appalling is the stupid kids that choose to bring this kind of abuse upon themselves. Instead of being outraged about a system that allows for such atrocities, Americans will simply shake their heads in disgust at one example of its outcome. Universities and Alumni, those providing forum and support for these twisted Greek organizations, will be seen as the torchbearers of justice for seeking retribution from a bunch of stupid frat boys who poured booze into a pig.