Sunday, February 24, 2002

Excerpts from "The 600 Day Season"

by Stephanie Anderson

"Did you find any gold?" This is one of the first questions anyone asks me. I suppose that technically I was in Alaska "gold mining", and that would lead one to think that an actual search for precious metal was going on. Yes, I know what we netted in the time I was there, and yes, I tell people the figure and then convert it to dollars for them and they seem satisfied, but I was mostly there for the experience and the company.

The curious part is that my uncle, Ole, the man behind the mine, the one who spends each available day pushing dirt through the sluice boxes and the remainder thinking about it, isn't concerned with gold either. He loves his mine, and has dedicated his life to it, but if a sophisticated study was conducted and a white-coated lab technician politely informed him that sluicing Liberty Creek would have the same yield that old men do on beaches with metal detectors, he would keep pushing the creek bed through the boxes.

I stepped out of the airport in Fairbanks into a full parking lot of about thirty cars. That fleet wasn't enough to overpower the smell. My nostrils were immediately overwhelmed with pine, open space and a touch of cinnamon. The drive in to the mine was amazing. It was 125 miles, and it took us about 9 hours, due to the dilapidated roads. We went through Chicken, AK and met 2 of the 17 residents who have made their fortune mining Chicken Creek. In Boundary, population 8 (one family), no one was home and on the main building was a sign reading "Best Coffee in town." That's where we left the "highway" (a dirt road) for the last 27 miles, 17 of which were built by Ole. After 5 hours that included getting stuck twice and the spontaneous application of chains to the tires, we trundled down the last hill into the mine.

From dawn until dusk each day, we attempted to sluice, a method of mining where rock from the creek bed is washed through sorting boxes. Oftentimes, the machinery wouldn't work, and whatever machine we needed to fix the broken machine didn't work either, so much of the day was devoted to repairs. We lived in a cabin that Ole built and cooked on a wood stove. The camp had no electricity, plumbing, heat, or running water, and we listened for any communication from the outside world via "Caribou Clatters," an AM radio messaging service. That sort of routine and isolation is relaxing, but the thought of being closed in by hundreds of miles of wilderness is also stifling.

At the mine, there are old trucks and tractors galore- some that work and some that don't, but nothing from later than 1960. I rode around in a Chevy pickup with my arm stuck out the window, clinging to the roof, like a college guy cruising the strip in his pimped out Beretta. My arm was not there to look cool, but rather to replace the long-missing door latch so I wouldn't go flying out into a gravel pit.

Eventually, it was time for me to leave to catch my plane back to Minneapolis. Coincidentally, just as our plans for departure took shape, it rained an inch and snowed. It rained all night, soaking the topsoil and turning the black dirt of the road into pudding. Earlier, we had tried to go out for supplies when it had only been drizzling. The Chevy got stuck four times in less than a mile. From this experience, we knew we were now at an impasse. For the first time in three weeks, Ole declared a coffee break. We walked up to the cabin, he poured himself a full cup and left me the dredges. He said he thought I should stay until freeze-up. Translation: indefinitely.

I resolved to walk the 27 miles to Boundary, and then hitch hike the last 100 miles to Tok. Then my aunt could give me a ride to the airport. I strapped my rubber breakup boots and my raincoat to my small day pack, and started off. In a cheerful goodbye, Ole gave me a shot gun and two bear slugs saying, "Wait until the bear gets close, and then shoot. If you don't kill it and it gets you, load the second slug and shoot yourself."

On the long walk, I enjoyed the scenery of mountain tops covered with freshly fallen snow. I sang at the top of my voice, all the words to any song I knew and making up words when I forget. I marveled that there was no one within distance for even an echo. I debated whether walking up or down hill was more of a strain on my leg muscles. I prayed at each turn that a hunter on a four-wheeler would appear and give me a ride. I shivered, wading through creeks as it got dark and water poured over the tops of my boots. Twenty-seven miles later I met the road. In perfect irony, a pickup truck pulled up behind me as I reached the dirt highway. I climbed into the bed, collapsed next to a couple of dogs, and rode the last half-mile to Boundary.

The majority of ideas we have that describe the frozen north are from stories. We think of cold, and adventure and pioneering; vast wilderness, freedom, and a certain element of lawlessness. I suppose these are stereotypes, but not altogether false. There may be cities in Alaska where you can walk into the Gap and buy the newest shade of cargo pants just like you can in LA, but a large portion of the state is a place reserved for those that prefer dogsleds to BMWs. That portion is the one that I would say is breathtaking, beautiful, friendly to strangers, and frightening to novices. The 40-mile region, in the interior near Canada, is where Ole has been mining for almost 25 years.

Saturday, February 23, 2002

A Glorious Weekend

by Stephanie Anderson

I had every intention of writing a glowing review of Monster's Ball, but then I saw it. I had been waiting for months to see this promise of an intense plot, solid cast and appearance of dreamy Heath Ledger. 'Disappointed' would not describe how I felt after waiting up for a 10 p.m. showing. 'Disgusted', 'violated' and 'enraged' would be better adjectives. The only thing I can say to better objectify the film is that it was basically a depressing porno. As I understand the illicit movie industry, this should be an oxymoron. Do not ever see Monster's Ball. EVER. My first subject matter being utterly decimated, I spent the weekend collecting pearls of knowledge on the so-called "social" scene. I offer this truth as a result of painstaking research: Boys and girls are dumb.

To dispel any claims of inherent bias, I will begin by saying that females are absolutely befuddling in relationships. Girls get mad about things they know they have no logical reason to be upset about, and then reserve the right to not tell boys why they are mad. Just to ensure complete insanity, girls then get mad that boys cannot figure out what they are mad about. ("Because if he really cared, he would just know.")

Boys are more stupider when it comes to actually initiating contact with a member of the opposite sex. I, as a card-carrying girl, am trained in the rules of beguilement that we are authorized to use to perplex boys. But I continually wonder what was said when they separated the boys and the girls for 6th grade Sex Ed. Did they say to all the boys, "Now, the best way to get a girl to go out with you is to yell 'Hey Baby!' at her out of your car window as you drive by."? Has that ever worked? Has a girl ever chased a car down the street in her skirt and heels to catch the yelling car and say, "Thanks for the interest, wanna get together?"

However, boys must get some credit for persistence. For example, a guy could ask a girl out, and be turned down, three times in a row. As she turns and walks away, he will then yell his phone number at her back. Some may call that not taking a hint, but I think it shows great commitment to a cause.

Most frustrating about the communication lapse between the sexes is the way that certain phrases are rendered useless. In no social situation can you innocently tell someone that they look familiar. The second that you try to ask for help in sorting through your memory, you have to admit, "You're right. You weren't really in my eighth grade math class, I just couldn't think of anything better to say and had forgotten 'hi'."

Of course, it has become classic to completely skip the lame excuses for conversation altogether. If a girl accidentally bumps into a guy in a bar, he can legally interpret it as her throwing herself at him. Incidentally standing or sitting next to someone can also be classified as a date.
The bar scene is a fiasco. There are too many guys in leather jackets, too many girls in no more material than a handkerchief, and too many varieties of alcoholic lemonade. But, it is so easy to meet people that there is no cause for all of the complaints. Granted these people have nothing to say, and in all honesty, are horrible dancers, but at least you're not at Monster's Ball.

Tuesday, February 05, 2002

Everyone Needs a Hero or How Garth Brooks and Dr. Pepper Saved America

by Brett Sheats

In these times of national uncertainty and world chaos, hearts and minds alike are strained with unimaginable amounts of stress. In a recent study, 76% of Americans responded that since 9-Eleven (as it is now popularly referred to, much like J-Lo or P. Diddy) their stress level has 'moderately or severely' increased. With the recent legal summons served on popular soothsayer Miss Cleo, who do we have to look to that is still keepin' it real?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, the search is over. Like he has done so many times before in countless dry counties across the American South, Garth Brooks brings his sweet musical intoxication to our dry, chapped lips. This time, however, it is not his new album Scarecrow that is causing boys and girls alike to tap their feet in sonic approval. No, it isn't even the triumphant return of his bad-boy alter-ego Chris Gaines. (Oh so edgy and Oh sooo sexy!!!) This time, Garth has enlisted the help of his best friend, Dr. Pepper, to raise our spirits in a simple television commercial. And America is forever changed.

I admit, the first twenty times I saw this commercial, I was a bit confused. First, I wasn't sure if it was really Garth smiling back at me from across the digital divide, as I was sure Garth would never stoop to the level of hawking carbonated prune squeezin's on national TV. But after repeated viewings, I realized that I was wrong -- dead wrong. Garth wasn't trying to convince me to drink Dr. Pepper soda -- he was trying to convince me to actually be like Dr. Pepper. How can one be like soda, I was left to ponder? And why would Garth want me to do this? Upon further reflection, I decided to research the topic. There must be a logical reason, I concluded. I decided to examine the evidence at hand.

Exhibit A: The Commercial
Where better to start, in the quest for answers, than the commercial itself? It starts out simple enough -- Garth and the boys sitting around the Ol' General Store, playing checkers, speaking slowly, wondering how they got into this soundstage. But all that is left to the viewer's imagination. Instead, we see them having a rollickin' time, playing the fiddle, the spoons, and strumming the six-string. It's the kind of scene that makes you wonder, "Gee, maybe NASCAR has a certain something I never noticed before..."

After a few memorable seconds of this, things get really interesting, and a JAILBREAK occurs. A jailbreak from THE JAIL OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, that is. Four ethnically-correct females come sauntering down the street, in step with Garth's strumming, mind you, looking all hot and bothered. Here the genius of Brooks shines through. He holds up four ice-cold Dr.Peppers next to his oh-so-cute, pudgy cheeks and motions the girls over. A match made in heaven? Indeed.
The commercial ends with another ten seconds of great music, great times, and great soda. We see additional shots of the whole crew doing their thang, all the while drinking that sweet intoxicating brew. The commercial just screams out "HEY AMERICA! Life is good, but only if you have hot women and cold soda." Take that, Osama.

Exhibit B: The Song
There's a light in your soul that says you're one of a kind!Don't ever let it go!Be original, an individual, like Dr. Pepper!Be you, do what you do. Be you, do what you do...

That, my friends, is pure, solid gold. I haven't looked at the charts lately, but I'm sure that Casey Kasem is counting this one down until it hits the top. In this verse, we find inspiration, dedication, even perspiration. Here, the sweet tasting revelry of Dr. Pepper meshes with Garth's floating voice and magic is born. Move over Disneyworld. Step aside, Dollywood. There is a new hotspot for fun, and it is your local vendor of Dr. Pepper.

For days now, I have been perplexed by Garth's call for us to 'be ... like Dr. Pepper!' How could I even begin to be like a carbonated beverage? Dare I try to bottle myself? It must be some other part of Dr. Pepper that I am supposed to emulate. Perhaps I will find the answer elsewhere.

The Final Exhibit: The Spoonman
Next time you see this commercial, I implore you: Take a close look at the old man sitting in front of Mr. Brooks. Clad in a red prison jumpsuit, balding, with wildly long sidehair, and playing the spoons, this Spoonman seems to be the cryptic key to this riddle. Who is he? Where does he come from? Why does he play the spoons like he is robotic? Why would Garth ever hang out with someone like him? Couldn't he get a better spoon player? He seems to bring up more questions than answers. And he haunts my dreams. Even in my good dreams, with exotic women and fantastic adventures, the Spoonman is there, mocking me. Rapping-rap-tapping on my door. His evil eye disarming me, his tell-tale heart betraying the passage of time. Damn you Spoonman, damn you to Hell!

In conclusion, Spoonman aside, one must thank the gods above for this call to arms. Leave it to the greatest crooner of our time, Garth Brooks, and the greatest carbonated beverage, other than Coke, Mountain Dew, Lipton Brisk, Slice, Sunkist, Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Pepsi Twist, Diet Pepsi Twist, Sprite, 7 Up, Birch Beer, Cream Soda, and Root Beer, to inspire us in ways we never thought could happen. Sometimes the right way is the hard way. Better the hard right, than the easy wrong. Freedom is not free. I regret I only have one life to live for my country. But, I
digress.

So, raise your glass, America, to Garth Brooks, and Dr. Pepper -- two American heroes who have saved our world. No terrorist can ever take away our freedom to go out in front of the local general store, grab a washboard and a moonshine bottle, and play a snazzy tune with major-label recording artists. That is America, pure and simple.