(From ECA's Wire Services)
The rematch of the controversial 1991 draw between Coalition forces and the Iraq army came to a sudden and early close Wednesday in Baghdad, as the Iraqi corner surprisingly threw in the towel. The debacle has not only interfered with the plans of TV journalists for an extended stay in warmer climes, but it replaced the longstanding benchmark of military ineptitude, established by France in 1940.
Analysts were surprised by the unexpected demise of the Saddamites, since the Coalition was operating without three crack squads of German army cooks and the platoon of elite Saudi Mercedes mechanics who played such an important role in the 1991 precursor to this match. Moreover, the Coalition had misplaced the U.S. 4th Infantry Division, its vaunted "sucker punch". Coalition commanders had only recently located the lost division and had not yet moved it into the ring.
In the opening moments of the rematch, in fact, the Saddamites had put up a ferocious battle. The sons of the late Saddam Hussein, the late Uday and the late Quasay, had "keyed" the doors of seven Bradley armored vehicles parked on the front lawn of one of the late Saddam's palaces and late members of their gang had slashed the tires of two M-1 Abrams tanks, before inadvertently discovering that the tanks did not have tires and that tanks are quite heavy.
In fact, this determined resistance led seasoned war correspondents, R.W. Apple of the New York Times and Robert Fisk of the London Independent, to report that the Iraqis had pushed the Coalition forces into the sea and were proceeding to butcher thousands of ringside civilians who had not cheered loudly enough for the late Saddam. This report was picked up by most American news outlets and the BBC, since informed observers had expected this result and the Iraqi army had a long history of butchering nearby civilians. However, some dissident voices in the U.S. Defense Department, speaking only on background, pointed out that the nearest sea was the Caspian Sea, 1500 miles from Baghdad in the other direction, and no Iraqi military unit in history had ever advanced successfully beyond Kuwait City.
President Jacques Chirac of France was magnimonious about the fall of the hoary French record. President Chirac gave substantial credit to the late Saddam Hussein, with whom he had long-time business and personal relationships. Chirac stated that, although the French had given much to establish the Saddamite regime, the late dictator had taken French principles to a new level. Nonetheless, Chirac said, "I doubt that the French motto, 'All hat and no cattle' will ever be replaced with the new Iraqi chant, 'It ain't over 'til....whoops, it's over'." American journalists on the scene were awestruck by the fact that Chirac could say "It's over" in seven languages.
Other French officials were less sanguine. Foreign Minister Dominique de Villipen pointed out that the technology of war has changed substantially since the French set the world standard for surrender. "The French army had to retreat through vineyards and cities full of dog droppings," he argued. The Iraqis were able to flee across the open desert with the best of French technology at their command."
Villipen went on, "In American baseball, although Mark McGuire hit 70+ home runs, everyone remembers Babe Ruth for his performance and his larger-than-life personality. Despite the Iraqi futility, I expect that France will be similarly remembered, for a longstanding combination of pusillanimity and poor personal hygiene."
...In Other Sports News
April 9, 2003 Democratic Republic of Congo
The United League of Nations traveling team, the Blue Hat Bureaucrats, known and loved back in New York as the Newmans (for Alfred E. Newman, quote: "What, me worry?"), took it on the chin again today, as a thousand people under their protection were massacred in the Northern part of that country.
This runs the Newmans' string of road losses to at least three, following similar performances in Bosnia and Rwanda. The Newmans were apparently concentrating on polishing their helmets, as they were again unable to control the offensive movements of the more highly motivated murderers. Coach Kofi Annan was, however, upbeat. "There were only a thousand innocent civilians murdered in this match-up. That is a much lower number than in any of our past performances. At this rate of improvement, we should be down to the hundreds in the near future."
Asked, back in New York, whether the coach's job was in jeopardy, Libya, which currently chairs the ULN Human Rights Committee, responded, "Heh."
... Today's Sports Quiz
What is a Mirage?
a. A French fighter jet
b. A French military force
c. A French promise
d. All of the above
Answer in the next issue.
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