by Brett Sheats
I have just watched the "Fight of the Decade" between Iron Mike Tyson and Lennox Lewis, and the taste left in my mouth is acutely described as quite bitter. Promoters, along with cable's usual extended onslaught of boxing "experts" (and I do use that term loosely) billed tonight's bout to be the heavyweight match of my lifetime, but instead it turned out to be a mismatch of an excellent technical fighter versus a bully whose time passed long, long ago.
I am left to ponder, "Is this as good as it gets for boxing in this day and age?" And my answer to that question is a resounding NO! There is a fight above all others that today's young and urbane audience demands. Yes, my friends, I speak of the fight of all time, the fight between the newly revered Heavyweight Champion of our era, Lennox Lewis, and the upstart scrapper whose heart exceeds even the greatest Philadelphian, Rocky Balboa. I speak of the one, the only, Little Mac.
Little Mac, whom I have personally witnessed overcome the gamut of fighters from Glass Joe to the unscrupulous Super Macho Man, possesses the will and the drive to defeat any titan that stands in his way. Outclassed by Lewis' superior reach? No problem, simply hit START and he will unload his mighty uppercut. Battered and bloodied by the Champ's left jab? It's OK, press back on your directional control pad and Little Mac will block even the mightiest of blows, excluding only Bald Bull's charging uppercut. Between rounds you can count on the fact that Little Mac is going to receive great advice including, "It's OK Mac, subscribe to Nintendo Power today!!!"
Who exactly is this challenger, you Nintendo neophytes may ask. His past is shrouded in mystery, but what little is known is that he was a young boxing prodigy led by masterful corner management and conditioning. Witnesses such as young Mary Ann Moser of Queens, NY remember Little Mac being a tireless trainer. "I used to relax on Ellis Island on the weekends, and I remember looking across the water to Liberty Island," said Ms. Moser, "and one thing that I could count on to be as regular as the ferry itself, was the sight of Little Mac, in full sweat gear, running beside his bicycle-riding trainer. After several months, I knew this kid was serious." That rigor spawned from his gaining of the Minor Championship Belt versus one-time champion Piston Honda. Honda reminiscences, "There no stopping him! He dodge my powerful combo! My chin no match for his mighty blow! Lay out flat on a big bopper he go-a me boom!" Go-a him boom in a second round TKO, he did indeed.
Little Mac then moved into competition for the Major Belt, where his competition increased in quality greatly. He was met by the up-and-coming Don Flamingo from Spain, and the equally mysterious King Hippo, with his notorious legion of fans, the "Hippo-drome." Little Mac remembers, however, that his toughest match in the Major division was against the magically delicious Great Tiger of India. "When the jewel on his turban started to flash, I knew that hell was about to spawn its fiery wrath within the ring," Little Mac remarked in a rare 1992 interview. "I just blocked all those punches and waited until I could counter while he was momentarily stunned." That strategy worked to perfection as Little Mac catapulted himself into the limelight with a third-round TKO and a shot at the Major Championship. Keeping his undefeated record alive, he beat Bald Bull in 3 rounds to capture the belt and moved into the most elite league of boxers after another period of off-time filled with tireless pink jumpsuit training.
Many boxing experts felt that Little Mac's small size would count against him in versus the most experienced and talented fighters, but their fears were allayed quite quickly when Little Mac dispatched the well respected Soda Popinski, who hails from the former Soviet Union. In the three-round epic battle, patriotism abounded, but the partisan Russian crowd was won over by Little Mac's resolve and sheer willpower, eventually cheering out "Mac! Mac! Mac!" Even Popinski was heard to say to his corner between the second and third rounds "He is not human! He is a piece of iron!"
But even young Mac's career was not sheltered from scandals that have plagued boxing in the past few decades. After a rematch against Don Flamingo, police arrested Flamingo as he was leaving the ring on charges of Child Pornography. Mac's only loss occurred in his next match, a three round decision for Mr. Sandman, where Mac knocked down Sandman six times in the bout while only falling to the canvas once himself. The bizarre decision by the judges resulted in riot after the match, and six people were killed by the angry mob. People close to Mac said that this loss was devastating to his ego and Mac turned to the bottle for salvation. But like he had done with so many demons in the ring, Mac won his battle with alcohol and now even runs Knock Out Alcohol!, a program for troubled, young alcoholics.
Eventually, Mac avenged his only boxing loss with a third round KO in the rematch. The result was a shot at the championship title against the brutally vain Super Macho Man, whose man-boobies were so big that he could shake them in time to the music while entering the ring. Dodging the Champ's patented Super-spin punch proved to be Mac's biggest challenge to date. In the end though, youth triumphed over beauty and Little Mac scored a TKO of Super Macho Man just before the final bell. The undisputed Champion of the World was the young Little Mac, and there was much rejoicing. What would Mac do now? Move to the WWF? Take Hollywood by storm? Insiders in Tinseltown have admitted that Mac was their first choice for the genie in Kazaam, but the part instead went to Shaquille O'Neal when Little Mac was sidelined with bronchitis during shooting. Mac's lasting legacy was to be found elsewhere, in one more fight that would decide once and for all who was the dominant fighter of the decade. It was official: Little Mac was going to fight Iron Mike Tyson.
And the match to end all matches lived up to the billing: it was an epic struggle, almost biblical in scope. In the end only one man was left standing, and that man was Little Mac. The first round, in which Iron Mike did not connect on a single punch that he threw, only highlighted Mac's third round TKO. Lucky for Mac, because those uppercuts were thrown with such ferocity that even one hitting the petite chin of the challenger would have spelled disaster. There was a new sports legend born that day, evidenced by the framed box of Wheaties that hangs above Mac's mantle in his swank Beverly Hills mansion.
Mac is older now, but reportedly still in top shape. Would he even consider taking on the Champ of the new millennium? Sources say the Mac camp is mum on the idea, but that Mac himself has started training again for 'unknown reasons.' Analysts question Mac's ability to go toe to toe with Lennox Lewis for 12 rounds, as all of Mac's fights have been just three rounds or less. "I take Lewis in four!" says former boxing star Evander Holyfield. "That damn Mac wouldn't be in my superior Evander Holyfield Boxing for the Sega Genesis!" Sounds like jealousy to this sportswriter. No matter what the pundits say, there is no doubt that the fans deserve to get what they want: A Mac/Lewis fight to decide who truly is the greatest fighter of the past two boxing eras. Although some in the boxing community say that Mac will need several tune-up fights to get ready for Lewis, others claim he will simply use a pass code to go directly to the belt holder. When he does decide to get in the ring and this legendary battle begins, you can bet this fan will be in the front row, close enough to heckle the Ref Mario.
